Fools get tossed / if they reach across / my barbecue grill / so continue to chill…

The Thick Juicy Burger of Awesomeness

You know what’s awesome?

Hamburgers.

You know what’s awesomer than that?

Burgers out on the grill.

You know what else is awesome?

Restaurant burgers.

Hold up. Hold up… I’m not talkin’, like, fast food burgers – well, some of those are good, too – but I mean, like, a nice thick, juicy, quarter-pound burger with a slice of cheese meltily draped over it, with lettuce and tomato all up in the place, too. I’m talkin’ the kind of burger your hot waitress saunters over to your table holding as it’s still sizzling, which, when you see it, you can’t take your eyes off of.

Hot waitress girl sets the plate down at your spot, prompting you to say something like, “Oh, this looks good…” in such a way she thinks you might be flirting with her. And then she’s all like, “Is there anything else I can get for you?” and when you look at her, she winks at you, but you don’t even really care cuz the burger is calling your name…

Calling. Your. Name.

Mmm mmm!

Yo, check it: I’m the type of dude who’ll eat a burger at whatever restaurant I go to. Straight up. Y’know, I try to keep it varied, but sometimes I just can’t help myself. Even at a nice steakhouse. No… especially at a nice steakhouse.

On the other hand, I’m also a dude who pays attention to the food he puts in his body… Well, I pay attention to it, but I happen to notice it’s not always so healthy. Anyway, protein’s good, but you can’t always just keep slammin’ burgers.

Further, despite my love for burgers, I considered going vegetarian at one point. It didn’t really work. Actually, I really couldn’t get myself started.

But I will tell you one thing I’ve tried in my quest to continue to love burgers and eat (sorta) healthy: vegetarian burgers.

Hold up now… stay with me here.

I ain’t gonna lie. A lot of ‘em suck. Bad. And I mean, like, “who in their right mind is trying to pass this off as a burger?” bad. You may as well not even try to call some of them burgers so much as circular-shaped vegetarian protein patties.

And I’m certainly not saying I only eat vegetarian burgers when I need a burger. That’d be ridiculous. But I will say they’re a good quick lunch or dinner, and if you can manage to find a decent one, they’re not so bad.

Among those I’ve tried are Garden Burgers, Morningstar, Boca Burgers, and these weird alleged vegetarian “burger patties” from Costco that tasted like (and sorta resembled) the filling inside an egg roll.

At this point, I’ve come to two conclusions:

[1] Boca Burgers’ “All-American Flame-Grilled” flavor burgers are not bad at all; they’re probably the closest thing to tasting like a real burger you’re gonna find. And not only that, but nutritionally (at least according to their label, which I’ve compared against others), they’re better than most of the others: a slightly larger patty containing less fat, less calories, less sodium, and more protein. Don’t expect the hearty awesomeness of a real burger, though; they’re still just soy protein burgers.

These are acceptable...

[2] Someone needs to come up with a half-vegetarian burger. You know, like half-caff coffee? I’d love to keep the burger healthier, but I’d love it more if it could taste anywhere near that of your standard Thick Juicy Burger of Awesomeness. What I’m sayin’ is what if someone took some real beef, thawed it out, and somehow mixed it together with an equal amount of thawed Boca patties before then turning that into half-beef burger patties? This could work, right?

All I know is I tried ordering a Garden Burger at Red Robin one time, thinking it might be closer to a real burger, because, well, you know: it was a restaurant burger. Wrong answer. Bigger bun, more nicely presented, but still nothing more than a Garden Burger. My taste buds punched me in the face for wasting the chance to have a real burger.

So until something changes – Boca Burgers being an exceptional stand-in from time to time – I don’t see anything ever nearing the tasty scrumptiousness of an oh-so-delicious Thick Juicy Burger of Awesomeness.

~ by joshlos on September 3, 2008.