All the cool pseudonyms are taken, but I still want one anyway

If you actually knew me in real life, that means you’d know my last name.

Also, you’d know I’m not the hugest fan of my last name. I don’t hate it or anything, but it did give me some problems with one particular dorkchop in high school, who I’d still probably punch square in the eye socket and/or larynx and/or solar plexus if I ever ran across him today.

Other people do think my last name works, though. Combined with my first name, it has a particular sound about it that rolls off the tongue quite smoothly.

That’s fine and all, but I think I could do a lot better.

I need something that’ll boost my Q Score.

Something cool like the cool celebrities and/or well-known characters have.

Let’s start by looking at a few basic examples:

Take Johnny Cash for instance. Okay, that was actually his name; I think that means he was destined for stardom. Then there’s a Jamaican singer named Richie Spice, whose name I admire highly. I don’t know if that’s his real name or not, but seriously? Spice? Awesome. And it even totally sounds like a cool Jamaican stage name. Oh, and even though none of it’s his real name, don’t forget about Jamie Foxx. Definitely a cool name, even if it does sorta rip off one of baseball’s all time great power hitters, Jimmie Foxx.

Quick: can anyone tell me what those names all have in common?

Time’s up.

First name: two syllables. Last name: one syllable.

I think the key to the coolest names is having that combination of varying syllables, with, most preferably, three total syllables spread out over two names.

It works the other way, too: Vin Diesel. Hulk Hogan. Rob Zombie.

The three total syllables thing isn’t necessary for having a cool pseudonym, but I just think it works best. I’m not opposed to using a larger last name if I have to, even though I think two syllables would be optimal.

But there are cool names with just one syllable for each name, too: John Wayne. Anne Rice, Brad Pitt, and one of my favorite all time names, even if it is a character from some crappy show: Chuck Bass. The key to those standing out, I think, is using simple, pronounced consonant sounds.

In any case, I’d like to keep the Josh part of my name as-is, y’know, to show I’m still a down-to-earth fellow and all, but with the softer “J” and “sh” sounds of my name, it’s harder to come up with a cool last name to match.

I could try using a number, like Andre 3000 (Josh 17? Josh 534? Josh 2 Million?). Maybe I could go the Kenny G and Warren G route by using my last initial. Or maybe I could give myself a completely different pseudonym, and then having an alter ego pseudonym on top of it, like Eminem (Slim Shady) or RZA (Bobby Digital).

But I want it to be fairly original, too. Two of my favorite fake names I’ve come up with that aren’t already assigned random, made-up personalities (which is a long and completely different story altogether) are taken.

Josh Gigatron – Gigatron, because, well, anything robotic-sounding automatically = cool. Also, y’know, to one-up “Megatron” from Transformers, of course. Apparently, though, it’s already in use by some Spanish heavy metal band, as well as an electronic music group from California.
Chuck Buckley – This doesn’t include “Josh” in it, but it’s an awesome name. Unfortunately, a bunch of real people, including some random blogger somewhere apparently already have that name on lock.

I could do like rapper Black Rob and go with an adjective in front of my name, possibly including, but not limited to my skin color: Fair-Pigment Josh, Awesome Josh, Average Josh, or Anxious Around Attractive Women Josh.

I’ve always liked rapper Jeru The Damaja’s name, too. Y’know: Like Conan The Barbarian or something. Maybe I could incorporate a title to the end of my name. Josh The Sufficient.

Sometimes I think, though, that maybe Prince had it right all along when he changed his name to some random symbol.

And on a somewhat related note, don’t think I don’t already have the dopest names for my kids picked out. It’s okay; I’ll enroll them in Kung Fu classes so they properly execute roundhouse kicks to the faces of all the school bullies.

~ by joshlos on April 13, 2009.