Home isn’t where the heart is. Home is where the refrigerator and the HDTV is.

Recently, I purchased new furniture.

New furniture as in, like, furniture from a furniture store and stuff.

I guess that, in conjunction with the fact that I just figured out how to make Rice Krispie Treats, makes me all domestic and junk. But, hey, DO NOT test me: I will not hesitate to tear a phone book in half on command and/or just randomly beat on my chest and let out a tribal scream of some sort.

Boom!

See? Domestication neutralized.

Well, except that I’d probably strain myself trying to tear the phone book apart, and my voice may sound more like a shrill scream of horror just prior to me wincing from hitting my chest too hard.

So, anyway, I learned two things from buying furniture store furniture.

1. Buying a mattress that feels like you’re sleeping on a gigantic stack of cotton balls is overrated. I mean, it sounds like the coolest thing ever and all — and it’ll feel like magical awesomeness in the store — but, like, dude, it’s not that comfortable. Well, not if you sleep on your stomach. And by you, I mean me. Or, actually, I.

So, anyway, you should go ahead and pick up the one-time mattress exchange thing if the furniture store offers it. Thanks to that, I got my nice soft-topped, yet firm, replacement mattress today, and after having laid on it a couple times since it got delivered, my body’s pretty much trying to accelerate the tiredness-ing process so it can have its first good night’s sleep at the new apartment in the few months I’ve been here as soon as possible.

2. Furniture deliverers are inconsiderate. First, they show up so ridiculously early that they don’t give you enough time to throw the piles of junk on your floor into your closet, and then they just go making assumptions about you and how you live. Things like, “Oh, I bet this guy wants his bed in the bedroom!” or “Hey, I think he wants the couch right across from the TV in that empty spot in the living room!”

All I’m sayin’ is at least ask first. Because maybe I don’t want my couch in the living room! Maybe I want it in the kitchen… did you ever think of that??? What do you think I bought the stain protection plan for???

Huh? HUH? Yeah. That’s what I thought. Don’t make me shake my fist at you. Now get out of my apartment. Oh, but go ahead and move the dining room table into the bedroom before you go.

~ by joshlos on October 28, 2009.